Technical Difficulties. And Dinosaurs.
What is the evidence that life existed 65 million years ago?
Someone had to have been around to put my computer together. I am imagining a highly skilled stegosaurus with multiple screwdriver bits for tail spikes and schematics scrawled across the plates on his back. I say, “highly skilled,” but even for a trained (and PC certified) stegosaurus, he was pretty goddamn dumb.
And you know what? In the 65 million+ years since, the computer itself has evolved to become a dinosaur.
My graphics card blew a couple weeks ago and now instead of having my desktop spread across two monitors, it’s spread across about 3/4ths of one monitor. Sometimes.
When I try to plug in more than three USB devices (I have six allegedly working USB ports.) my computer automatically launches the sound file “laughattheretard.wav”.
When I turn my computer off, I can turn it back on in one try once every twenty-or-so attempts. On those days when it only takes me one try to start my computer, I buy a lottery ticket and play the nickel slots.
If you open the case to feed the gerbils inside, the guts of my computer look like the dusty entrails of Grauballe Man.
My computer actually talks to me occasionally. He’s less like HAL-9000 and more like that retarded robot from Mighty Morphing Power Rangers crossed with Jessica Simpson.
Here are some actual things that it says.
“What? Did you want to highlight a passage of text to copy it? Nah! I’ll just go ahead and pretend that in releasing the mouse button you actually clicked it 4,200 times. I’m sure that’s what you meant to do.”
“Tee hee! You’re trying to run Firefox and GIMP at the same time! How cute! … DENIED! FUCK YOU!”
“Oh heeeeey! What’s this? Are you working on your novel? That’s, you know, cool and stuff. What’s this now? Page 700? That’s really cool! You must have spent a long time on this. Okay… I’m going to kill myself now. KTHXBAI!”
“’Ctrl+Alt+Del? Whassat mean? I don’t get it. I’m going to go into a coma while I figure this out. You should take a nap or something. You look frustrated. Plus, this is gonna take me a while.”
When I was a child, I fucking loved dinosaurs. If it was at all possible, I would have disowned my mother, gone back in time, crawled inside a female brachiosaurus, crawled my way back out and become an honorary dinosaur by being born through the vagina of a large saurapod. My parents would ask me, “Reed, do you want to have sex with all three of the Hanson boys and Jonathan Taylor Thomas at the same time while the Spice Girls stand around in your bedroom and sing a song about how awesome you are, or do you want to go to the science museum and look at dinosaur fossils,” and I would exuberantly answer (and I did, every time this question came up… which was surprisingly often), “DINOSAURS!!!” I had dinosaur action figures, tiny plastic dinosaurs, dinosaur tee shirts, dinosaur bed sheets, dinosaur sing-a-long cassettes, dinosaur movies on VHS, dinosaur shoes and a foam dinosaur on a long metal wire that I could “take on walks” around the neighbourhood. My peers hated me, but the dinosaurs loved me, and that’s all I cared about. One of the last conversations I ever had with both my Great-Grandaddy (my father’s mother’s father) and my Great-Mama (my father’s father’s mother) were about dinosaurs, their behaviours, their names and how fucking awesome they were. Dinosaurs were undeniably one of my biggest childhood obsessions.
I tell you that story to tell you this one. I FUCKING HATE DINOSAURS! After having fought for five years with the dinosaur purring quietly (for now) at my feet, I have developed a very strong distaste for the nasty, ancient assholes. That’s right. Dino-kid just called dinosaurs assholes. And why? Because he has owned the same dinosaur for five years and it has come to hate him… and he has come to hate dinosaurs and everything to do with them. Even modern birds. Fuck birds too. I want nothing more than to replace this terrible dinosaur and get rid of it in the most degrading way possible.
If you would like to make me very happy and help make sure that I can continue keeping this blog running and free, you should consider making a donation to the Eradicate The Remaining Dinosaurs Fund, which seeks to raise enough money to buy a replacement computer for yours truly, who promises to “Office Space this bitch” when it’s ready to be replaced.
Fuck dinosaurs.
5 comments
Aw! Im sorry! Do you have any current money saved towards the ‘get a new pc fund’?
for around $300 you can get a low end one.
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Methinks this is a case of mistaken metaphor. O:
Also, what the Nonreligiuos Nerd said, you can find a low end computer (that works well enough but won’t do anything spectacular) for about $300.
Unless you want a shiny one, in which case you’ll have to wait a while longer o:
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Mistaken metaphor? Which metaphor and how is it mistaken?
I already have some money saved up and I intend to return most of my Christmas gifts for computer money too. I’m just giving anyone with too much money who is in a giving mood who feels I made my case well enough that I deserve a few dollars the opportunity to contribute to the cause.
I’m definitely not going with something as low-end as what I have now again, so I will probably go with the cheapest new Dell or HP I can find.
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I’m about to move into my new flat, so every penny of my money is damn precious (and I’m about to get my boobs done, because I am weak and easily tempted by pretty pieces of silicone), but gimme a couple of months and I’ll donate. Just need to figure out how to afford to live first :P
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I used to love dinosaurs when I was a kid too! I watched Jurassic Park at least a thousand times. I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was 8 but my aunt told me that digging up dinosaur bones would make God angry. She explained that there were bad people out in the world who called themselves atheists, and they were trying to convince everyone God wasn’t real. Their best way of doing this was to dig up dinosaur bones and claim they were millions of years old, when of course in reality they are only a few thousand.
Anyway, I would donate if I had the cash, but I don’t. Let me know if you still don’t have a lap top by January. I plan on buying a new one with my financial aid check and getting rid of my old one. It’s a 3 year old Acer and there is really nothing wrong with it except for the back port where the charger is held is broken. That’s a $100 fix if even that much. Anyway, if all the pieces fall into place, I would be more then willing to give you my old lap top! I know how badly it sucks to not have one. Just let me know closer to mid January and I’ll see what I can do!
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