Bef at Footbullet.net interviewed Aaron Saxton, a former Scientologist and former member of their naval operations group, Sea Org.

It’s one of the most damning and powerful interviews I’ve read recently.  You should go read it.  Now.

What is the evidence that life existed 65 million years ago?

Someone had to have been around to put my computer together.  I am imagining a highly skilled stegosaurus with multiple screwdriver bits for tail spikes and schematics scrawled across the plates on his back.  I say, “highly skilled,” but even for a trained (and PC certified) stegosaurus, he was pretty goddamn dumb.

And you know what?  In the 65  million+ years since, the computer itself has evolved to become a dinosaur.

My graphics card blew a couple weeks ago and now instead of having my desktop spread across two monitors, it’s spread across about 3/4^ths of one monitor.  Sometimes.

When I try to plug in more than three USB devices (I have six allegedly working USB ports.) my computer automatically launches the sound file “laughattheretard.wav”.

When I turn my computer off, I can turn it back on in one try once every twenty-or-so attempts.  On those days when it only takes me one try to start my computer, I buy a lottery ticket and play the nickel slots.

If you open the case to feed the gerbils inside, the guts of my computer look like the dusty entrails of Grauballe Man.

My computer actually talks to me occasionally.  He’s less like HAL-9000 and more like that retarded robot from Mighty Morphing Power Rangers crossed with Jessica Simpson.

Here are some actual things that it says.

“What?  Did you want to highlight a passage of text to copy it?  Nah!  I’ll just go ahead and pretend that in releasing the mouse button you actually clicked it 4,200 times.  I’m sure that’s what you meant to do.”

“Tee hee!  You’re trying to run Firefox and GIMP at the same time!  How cute! … DENIED!  FUCK YOU!”

“Oh heeeeey!  What’s this?  Are you working on your novel?  That’s, you know, cool and stuff.  What’s this now?  Page 700?  That’s really cool!  You must have spent a long time on this.  Okay… I’m going to kill myself now.  KTHXBAI!”

“’Ctrl+Alt+Del?  Whassat mean?  I don’t get it.  I’m going to go into a coma while I figure this out.  You should take a nap or something.  You look frustrated.  Plus, this is gonna take me a while.”

When I was a child, I fucking loved dinosaurs.  If it was at all possible, I would have disowned my mother, gone back in time, crawled inside a female brachiosaurus, crawled my way back out and become an honorary dinosaur by being born through the vagina of a large saurapod.  My parents would ask me, “Reed, do you want to have sex with all three of the Hanson boys and Jonathan Taylor Thomas at the same time while the Spice Girls stand around in your bedroom and sing a song about how awesome you are, or do you want to go to the science museum and look at dinosaur fossils,” and I would exuberantly answer (and I did, every time this question came up… which was surprisingly often), “DINOSAURS!!!”  I had dinosaur action figures, tiny plastic dinosaurs, dinosaur tee shirts, dinosaur bed sheets, dinosaur sing-a-long cassettes, dinosaur movies on VHS, dinosaur shoes and a foam dinosaur on a long metal wire that I could “take on walks” around the neighbourhood.  My peers hated me, but the dinosaurs loved me, and that’s all I cared about.  One of the last conversations I ever had with both my Great-Grandaddy (my father’s mother’s father) and my Great-Mama (my father’s father’s mother) were about dinosaurs, their behaviours, their names and how fucking awesome they were.  Dinosaurs were undeniably one of my biggest childhood obsessions.

I tell you that story to tell you this one.  I FUCKING HATE DINOSAURS!  After having fought for five years with the dinosaur purring quietly (for now) at my feet, I have developed a very strong distaste for the nasty, ancient assholes.  That’s right.  Dino-kid just called dinosaurs assholes.  And why?  Because he has owned the same dinosaur for five years and it has come to hate him… and he has come to hate dinosaurs and everything to do with them.  Even modern birds.  Fuck birds too.  I want nothing more than to replace this terrible dinosaur and get rid of it in the most degrading way possible.

If you would like to make me very happy and help make sure that I can continue keeping this blog running and free, you should consider making a donation to the Eradicate The Remaining Dinosaurs Fund, which seeks to raise enough money to buy a replacement computer for yours truly, who promises to “Office Space this bitch” when it’s ready to be replaced.

Fuck dinosaurs.

It’s Photoshop Phriday!

It’s repulsive… and I love it.

(Thanks to Drew.)